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I hate the garbage can boss
1 min read
I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. I just don't really have much to say since this is a public journal; what I'm about to write is pretty personal. These 3 crappy words have become my reality - double lung transplant.
But look at the bright side. I wouldn't need oxygen 24/7 and my husband wouldn't have to hear "F#&ing GARBAGE CAN!!!!" every time I get my tubing caught on it, which is just about daily... haha.
WHY CAN'T I BEAT THE GARBAGE CAN BOSS?!
But look at the bright side. I wouldn't need oxygen 24/7 and my husband wouldn't have to hear "F#&ing GARBAGE CAN!!!!" every time I get my tubing caught on it, which is just about daily... haha.
WHY CAN'T I BEAT THE GARBAGE CAN BOSS?!
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...
1 min read
"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on." --David Harkins
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on." --David Harkins
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If I compiled a list of all of the weird and fail things I've seen during my hospital stays, I'd have... well, a really long list. High calorie meals ordered = two cups of diet iced tea, instead of one! OMG AN EXTRA CALORIE, APPLAUSE. Diet sorbet also aids in weight gain, apparently. How about a confused old lady wandering the hall and singing at 4AM, or that dude who kept pulling his clothes off for no apparent reason?
Entertainment consists of bad television shows, and if I'm lucky, watching the local peregrine falcon ding pigeons and starlings outside the window.
Occasionally I fantasize about slamming my IV pole in the elevator door, oh, say, about 50 times or so. YOU CAN'T BEEP NOW, CAN YOU?! That would only land my arse in hot water, however. Well played, IV pole, well-played...
But this is what I look like when I get out:
The only reason this is art-related is because I drew some stuff while there earlier this month. Like I'll finish it - pssshhh. My art neglect has been depressing to say the least.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, THOUGH
...is that chewing food while wearing an oxygen cannula is like having your own personal nose-picker.
Entertainment consists of bad television shows, and if I'm lucky, watching the local peregrine falcon ding pigeons and starlings outside the window.
Occasionally I fantasize about slamming my IV pole in the elevator door, oh, say, about 50 times or so. YOU CAN'T BEEP NOW, CAN YOU?! That would only land my arse in hot water, however. Well played, IV pole, well-played...
But this is what I look like when I get out:
The only reason this is art-related is because I drew some stuff while there earlier this month. Like I'll finish it - pssshhh. My art neglect has been depressing to say the least.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, THOUGH
...is that chewing food while wearing an oxygen cannula is like having your own personal nose-picker.
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One day at a time
3 min read
I'm half asleep right now--please forgive any awkward wording/grammar or rampaging typo beasts.
Today marks one week since Grace's passing. I've been feeling completely disconnected from reality: intellectually, I understand that she is gone, but emotionally, I feel that she is still here. There have been a few instances where I've tried to e-mail or text her only to stop myself once I came to the realization that she was gone. When I walked into my dad's house on Wednesday, I almost expected her to be in the living room waiting to loudly proclaim, "IT'S YOUUUUU. Hai dumb betch!" as she had done so many times before.
At least I have my memories... so many wonderful memories. No one made me laugh more than Grace did. I try to remember all of the good times we had when I start to feel sad because smiling is so much better than crying--and I know she would prefer that I do the former and not the latter.
I've been completely blown away by the flood of condolences and support I've received here on dA. I can't even begin to thank you all enough. I would like to extend a special thank you to those of you who are already organ donors and those who have become one after reading Grace's story. Thank you for showing me that good people still exist in this world; it warms this cynical heart.
My husband and I had lunch with
and her husband 
the other day and a full teapot wound up flying off of our table without any interference from us. I'm not usually one to believe in these kinds of things, but I'm really beginning to think Grace was up to her usual shenanigans. Jen also got a fortune cookie that said: Somewhere, deep inside, we all can fly. Coincidence or not, I still found it oddly relevant to the past week. It is now taped to my computer monitor. These two awesome people also adopted my sister's two orphaned cockatiels and I can't even begin to express how happy it makes me. I'm so very lucky to have friends like you guys. 
One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I will make you proud, Grace.
Today marks one week since Grace's passing. I've been feeling completely disconnected from reality: intellectually, I understand that she is gone, but emotionally, I feel that she is still here. There have been a few instances where I've tried to e-mail or text her only to stop myself once I came to the realization that she was gone. When I walked into my dad's house on Wednesday, I almost expected her to be in the living room waiting to loudly proclaim, "IT'S YOUUUUU. Hai dumb betch!" as she had done so many times before.
At least I have my memories... so many wonderful memories. No one made me laugh more than Grace did. I try to remember all of the good times we had when I start to feel sad because smiling is so much better than crying--and I know she would prefer that I do the former and not the latter.
I've been completely blown away by the flood of condolences and support I've received here on dA. I can't even begin to thank you all enough. I would like to extend a special thank you to those of you who are already organ donors and those who have become one after reading Grace's story. Thank you for showing me that good people still exist in this world; it warms this cynical heart.
My husband and I had lunch with
and her husband the other day and a full teapot wound up flying off of our table without any interference from us. I'm not usually one to believe in these kinds of things, but I'm really beginning to think Grace was up to her usual shenanigans. Jen also got a fortune cookie that said: Somewhere, deep inside, we all can fly. Coincidence or not, I still found it oddly relevant to the past week. It is now taped to my computer monitor. These two awesome people also adopted my sister's two orphaned cockatiels and I can't even begin to express how happy it makes me. I'm so very lucky to have friends like you guys. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I will make you proud, Grace.
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My sister's passing, I love you, Grace
3 min read
I've been staring at this blank box for a while trying to figure out how to write this.
Our beautiful Grace left us
Yesterday afternoon, on October 15th 2010, I held my twin sister's hand as she was finally released from a body completely destroyed by cystic fibrosis. She is at peace and most importantly... she can BREATHE. She can breathe, she can laugh, she can dance, run, jump and do all of the things that CF took away from her. She's free.
I had been in the hospital this past week recovering from a collapsed lung and my doctor let me out late Thursday night to go be with Grace and my family at the hospice. Sometime after midnight, I reluctantly went home and got a few hours of sleep and returned the next morning. She was surrounded by so much love. Through our tears, we all told her that it was okay for her to go... and then she was gone. I feel as though I have lost half of myself. I would try to describe the bond shared by identical twins, but I don't think there are even words. She was more than my best friend; she was everything to me.
I love you, baby girl -- breathe easy. You may have been on this earth for only 25 years, but your bright spirit made them all worth it to me and many others.
Grace Muchmore 10/04/1985 - 10/15/2010
I will be leaving her dA gallery up to remind us all of her amazing talent.
We need organ donors... And we need to fight cystic fibrosis.
She's fine, most of the time
She takes her days with a smile
She moves like a dancer in light
Spinning around to the sound
But sometimes she falls down
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
She likes New York at night
She dreams of running away
Shine on, bright like the sun
When even the sky turns gray
I need you to hear me say
I need you to hear me say
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
Let go of the fear
Let go of the doubt
Let go of the ones
Who try to put you down
You're gonna be fine
Don't hold it inside
If you hurt right now
Then let it all come out
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
Let go of the fear
Let go of the doubt
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Ryan Star - "Breathe"
Our beautiful Grace left us
Yesterday afternoon, on October 15th 2010, I held my twin sister's hand as she was finally released from a body completely destroyed by cystic fibrosis. She is at peace and most importantly... she can BREATHE. She can breathe, she can laugh, she can dance, run, jump and do all of the things that CF took away from her. She's free.
I had been in the hospital this past week recovering from a collapsed lung and my doctor let me out late Thursday night to go be with Grace and my family at the hospice. Sometime after midnight, I reluctantly went home and got a few hours of sleep and returned the next morning. She was surrounded by so much love. Through our tears, we all told her that it was okay for her to go... and then she was gone. I feel as though I have lost half of myself. I would try to describe the bond shared by identical twins, but I don't think there are even words. She was more than my best friend; she was everything to me.
I love you, baby girl -- breathe easy. You may have been on this earth for only 25 years, but your bright spirit made them all worth it to me and many others.
Grace Muchmore 10/04/1985 - 10/15/2010
I will be leaving her dA gallery up to remind us all of her amazing talent.
We need organ donors... And we need to fight cystic fibrosis.
She's fine, most of the time
She takes her days with a smile
She moves like a dancer in light
Spinning around to the sound
But sometimes she falls down
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
She likes New York at night
She dreams of running away
Shine on, bright like the sun
When even the sky turns gray
I need you to hear me say
I need you to hear me say
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
Let go of the fear
Let go of the doubt
Let go of the ones
Who try to put you down
You're gonna be fine
Don't hold it inside
If you hurt right now
Then let it all come out
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
Let go of the fear
Let go of the doubt
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Ryan Star - "Breathe"
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